Italy and me

I have been constantly thinking about family these past few weeks. It makes me me wonder why I keep leaving them.

Italy has made me who I am today, has made me conquer feats I never thought of achieving. A place where I meet people all over the world, old and new, come in and out of my life while I am living here. I find that even if you get annoyed with your parents, family, you will inevitably end up wanting to come home with open arms.

It makes me sad to say that I have chosen a departure date. I know I have many expats here that I still haven't met, I hope to be in touch. These past few posts probably have given you a feeling that I have been wanting to go home. But on the other hand, I have done more than I thought I would being here. I shouldn't be feeling sad about leaving....all I am upset about is my Italian. That is the one thing that I feel I can strive better at. I'm such a perfectionist. So this is going to be long process.

Last night was Coast2Coast at Joshua Tree, it was a blast. I felt comfortable in my surrounding of Italians, friends, and random drunk people. I looked around this bar and looked at my Beer stein full of Wiekse Witte beer, and thought to myself, wow....drinking is getting soooo boring. It is fun to be around friends in a bar atmosphere, but looking at my 5th beer, not being drunk, I was content with the fact that I can not do this much longer.

Another common theme throughout my friends are they all want some sort of transition. Paolo has never thought about taking another job away from the Joshua Tree, and when he was offered a few nights ago to work in the States, he was thinking deeply about it. Antonio wants to travel before he is to old to experience it. Simo wants to travel as well but is afraid he is too old now, being 33. RIGHT!!! Davide believes he can't do anything or try anything new because he is 31, I do not like his attitude.

Then there are my friends working their asses off for a purpose. Carlos is providing for his family and saving for a fantabulous hotel or B&B in Brazil. I admire him that he can work with such heart and drive. Raul made his wife move here with him so he can work on his music career. He works his ass off to make ends meet with his wife.

All these factors I take in account that I am actually quite lucky to be here and be able to be 26 and be in Italia. Not having to work hardcore, not paying rent, not in a job I hate...(ok well I'm almost done), I am lucky!! I have the capabilities to achieve many things.

Today I am going to hang out at Michael Collins, hang out with friends, maybe even speak some italian....hahaha....ok

a presto

Wish I had my mom's sense of spirit...

V approached me today and told me that she thinks I am "crabby" and was disappointed from my performance on Sunday at her Aunt's house. She thought I could have played tag or ran away with her girls, when they were attached to her hip. Ok yes, I was a bit melancholy but again I hate when she puts this blame on me when she is the one who has a bad attitude at times.

Anyway, that segwayed into my answer to her previous question a few days prior, "speaking of leaving, You can start looking for someone else for September. I have other plans in mind for me."

That sparked the conversation of NYU, and if and when I would start, blah blah blah.

Ok well au pairing isn't for everyone but I am sure I am giving it my all. I do enjoy being with the girls but when they are attached to their mother it is difficult to draw their attention. It so doesn't help to be told on and on again that 'you are disappointing me'. I am going to try to suck it up for 4 more months and have a smile on my face constantly even when being yelled at or scorned. What else can I do? I am who I am, and apparently I need to be happy constantly, like her(sarcastic tone). Which leads me to say, I wish I had my Mom's sense of spirit and love for life. Even when I am down on my luck at home, I have my mom to snap me out of it. Well i still have her but she is speaking thru the computer and/or the phone. It helps, but being around crabby people can not help the situation.

Anyway, so who knows again what will happen. But this weekend I am going to spend it with V and the girls in the country home just to get away from the city and try to be the chipper happy self I can be. No matter what. I am going to push thru these next few months and see where they take me. Like my favorite professor and friend once said:

"I think the royal road to achieving genuine satisfaction in life is going the Bloody hard way."

perche no??

Clarity

These days have been many times or not, time for reflection. Good reflection, meaning that I have previously let you all know that I have a choice to make about staying with the family I am working for. I have decided that I am going to leave my post as the "best nanny in the world". I feel that my time there has been well overdue. So my clarity in this decision is of all the things I could not do if I want to stay here. I will list them:

1. I could not work in a bar or ristorante.
2. I could not work as a tour guide (a previous goal I thought I could achieve)
3. I could not work as a nanny again
4. I could not not work
5. I could not work in the tourism industry
6. I could not be a dancer of any kind to pay the bills(a tango dancer i could be if they paid well) :-) that was for Tina.
7. I refuse to feel that I need to explain my actions to anyone that thinks I'm insane.

So like my friend Tina explained to me, just because I am leaving her home doesn't mean I am leaving Italy. I can find another place to live if needed to. Sure I have friends that would allow if I want to. But I feel I should find my own place if I could afford it. Anyways, my decision to leave the family I have lived with for over 3mos, for me, doesn't mean I have failed in staying here. It means I know I can't be a nanny, forever. It means I have scratched out another job I will never do again.

In a sense I feel I have found clarity. Because I am not completely clear on my upcoming months, I am sure I am still doing the right thing for me. My life, again, is my life. I wish to stop thinking about this because it is throwing me off when I am around my friends here. All I have been thinking about since my grandparents left, was my family. I have been completely obsessed with going home. But not really wanting to. But just cuz it is an easy way out of this situation, ya know? I feel if I leave as soon as my time is done with this family, then that would make me a failure. Even though being home would be nice, but then I would still have to ask the question "what will I do now?"

Thinking about the future...

Yesterday V asked me to let her know if I want to stay after September becuz if not she needs to start looking for new au pair from September on. WOW! I haven't thought about leaving since...oh last week...haha. That is because my Nana and Papa were here, brought me back to my roots.

Anyway, I am thinking...well...if I leave in September I will not be achieving my goal of staying here a year OR becoming more comfortable with the Italian language. On the other hand, I still haven't heard from the Professor from NYU about the Master's program. Given the option to go home is always an option I can take or will take. As I found out the last time I was here for only 3 mos and I was ready to change my ticket and come home. Of all the times I wanted to run from my family and my job, I always had the feeling of coming home someday. I love living here in Florence, but in order for me to stay past September I need to find an actual job outside of being an au pair. Been there, done that. I doubt I could do this again. Once is enough. Like all my experiences, I like to try it once and if I don't like it...bye bye. Find something better Katie, or different. That is why getting my Masters sounds good and not, because I know my attention span. But I still want to fulfill my goal of learning and speaking italian fully. That is still a HUGE goal for me.

Anyway, I guess I will finish this thought on a later date.

a presto