Thoughts that keep you up...

I was in San Casciano this weekend with the fam. It was a rather hectic weekend but I felt I accomplished a lot for V and the other English family that was visiting V and G. It has become more and more homey when I am with them. V definitely has changed her attitude towards me since my parents came. I'm glad it was a success!

Do you ever think of people that you could have been nicer to back in the day? I was tossing and turning last night thinking of a friend I have recently received an email from asking me to meet up with him. Then I haven't thought of him until last night. It was weird but was very much relavent with what I have come across these days. I have just finished the book, A Thousand Days in Tuscany by Marlena de Blasi...this weekend I came across this passage about love and choosing love:

"...I think that most people who are alone are so by choice as much as they are by fortune and destiny. There's a great humility about love. Before a person can surrender his aloneness, he has to care for someone more than he cares for himself..."

I feel that in this passage, it defines me. I find myself choosing to be alone. Given here I am...in Firenze, by myself, not attached, which I love. But in the sense that I have NEVER felt I should commit myself to anyone in this life thus far. But again this statement holds true in some sense. Allora, back to my thought that kept me up....so I thought maybe one guy here was someone I want to commit to but alas I have found out....that he is not the one for me...solo amico. I found I liked the idea of being with him. But he turned me off in the end. So then came this random thought of the other guy. We left on bad terms due to my blunt and straightforwardness...stating 'I will never be with him' in that way. It was never the same and we lost touch. He never returned my calls and if he did answer he was an ass. Justifiable. Then I finally took his number out of my phone and refused to ever call him again.

Fast forward to 3 weeks ago...I received an email asking me to meet up with him in my town,no less. (He never would want to come to CL). I sent an email showing my happiness to hear from him and also the expression I am living my life without him. Comfortably. And here I am today or rather last night....thinking about him and how I was a horrible friend to him.

I also read my horoscope the day my family arrived back on the 18th and it said this:

"Per qualcuno di voi, un'amicizia potrebbe trasformarsi in passione. Farete fatica a entrare in sintonia con chi vi ama, nonostante le sue ottime intenzioni: siete troppo svagati, troppo ansiosi, troppo in cerca...di che cosa?"

It is pretty much saying that a good friendship can turn into a passion of some kind. I immediately thought of amico mio. Because we have gotten closer. And also he started pushing me away (as well as I did) so I thought maybe there was something there. Alas, niente...nulla...oh well.

In life I believe there are people who touch your soul and those who pass by like a breeze. I have seem to have met many people here that have touched my soul, like a friend, a confidant, and a potential(although never has it been reciprical, that I know of). I think that is why I keep myself at a distance to some and sneak away at times. I don't like people, my friends, my family, to know EVERYTHING about me. I would rather leave some parts of my life a mystery. Not to create some sort of secret life but to keep my thoughts, my fears, even my loves to myself. Another reason why I can't commit or see myself with anyone at all. Ever...sometimes.

Like my mom says and I have adapted this expression, 'It will come when you are ready' or 'whatever will be,will be, the futures not ours to seek' or 'Just what makes that little old ant...' and so on and so on.

Sometimes these thoughts keep me up because...well....I am alone. I am in a country full of potential men who would like to be with me and thus not-a-one has stuck. The aforementioned passage from Marlena de Blasi, speaks loudly to me and suggests I DO choose my aloneness. Because I CHOOSE to be writing about this which is boring the hell out of some of my readers.

I'm sorry.

So now we go back to my Mom and her wise words 'Katie your time will come....you have other things to do in your life...It will find you when you least expect it.' Of course how simple is that??? Alas I have been waiting for IT to find me for 26 years!!!!! What exactly is IT?????

My absolute fear is when I ever arrive home is the constant questions if I found someone special....I will answer you all right now....you know who you are...

I have not found anyone special, it isn't my time, I have too much to accomplish in my life, when I least expect it IT will find me....

There......ok well I will keep all of my readers updated on the aforementioned thought in my mind....constantly in my mind....

thanks for listening to my venting and banter....