Clarity

These days have been many times or not, time for reflection. Good reflection, meaning that I have previously let you all know that I have a choice to make about staying with the family I am working for. I have decided that I am going to leave my post as the "best nanny in the world". I feel that my time there has been well overdue. So my clarity in this decision is of all the things I could not do if I want to stay here. I will list them:

1. I could not work in a bar or ristorante.
2. I could not work as a tour guide (a previous goal I thought I could achieve)
3. I could not work as a nanny again
4. I could not not work
5. I could not work in the tourism industry
6. I could not be a dancer of any kind to pay the bills(a tango dancer i could be if they paid well) :-) that was for Tina.
7. I refuse to feel that I need to explain my actions to anyone that thinks I'm insane.

So like my friend Tina explained to me, just because I am leaving her home doesn't mean I am leaving Italy. I can find another place to live if needed to. Sure I have friends that would allow if I want to. But I feel I should find my own place if I could afford it. Anyways, my decision to leave the family I have lived with for over 3mos, for me, doesn't mean I have failed in staying here. It means I know I can't be a nanny, forever. It means I have scratched out another job I will never do again.

In a sense I feel I have found clarity. Because I am not completely clear on my upcoming months, I am sure I am still doing the right thing for me. My life, again, is my life. I wish to stop thinking about this because it is throwing me off when I am around my friends here. All I have been thinking about since my grandparents left, was my family. I have been completely obsessed with going home. But not really wanting to. But just cuz it is an easy way out of this situation, ya know? I feel if I leave as soon as my time is done with this family, then that would make me a failure. Even though being home would be nice, but then I would still have to ask the question "what will I do now?"